Weaklings...

2 Corinthians 12:9 & 10 (TNIV)

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

It is my firm belief that when we hit our lowest point, God will work in the most amazing ways. When we are at our weakest and most humble, God's power takes over and does more for the Kingdom than we ever could on our own. When we are facing insults and hardships in the darkest times of our lives, we can have hope and confidence in the fact that God is getting ready to move and shake the world around you - not for your benefit or glory, but for HIS! Remember, it is His glory that we are here, not ours! When we face persecutions and difficulties in the scary and uncertain times of our lives, that is when the hand of God shows up and delivers a peace that goes beyond anything we could imagine or understand.

It isn't a pleasant thing to go through the tough and dark periods of life. As a matter of fact it can be tragic. But the "refining fire" of hard times is what makes us a stronger and more useful tool for God's Kingdom. The development of discipline, perseverance, courage, and wisdom are all by-products of the hard times in our lives. You might not enjoy them, but you can still thank God for them.

If you're experiencing a difficult time in your life right now, I hope these words can serve as a bit of an encouragement. If you are NOT, I hope you will store them in your heart for later.

God wants to do amazing things through you and with you. In your weakness you will find out just how strong your God really is!

In ??? We Trust...

The irony has just dawned on me. Maybe you're way ahead of me on this, but on how many levels is it disturbing and ironic that American currency has the phrase "In God We Trust" written on it? It is also funny to me that it is the Christian people in our nation who yell and scream the loudest when someone threatens to remove this statement from our money.

Allow me to explain what I mean by this:

- IMHO, materialism is destroying our country. It is destroying us socially, economically and spiritually. Our drive for MORE, MORE, MORE has created a culture of selfishness and extreme individualism that destroys our relationships with one another and with God. Yet, we print the statement "In God We Trust" right on the very tool being used to fan this destruction.

- The reason many people give for being "turned off" by the church is because "we" talk about money too much. We give the impression that all we want is your money. However, when one examines the New Testament, it is easy to see that this is the number one subject discussed by Jesus. Why? Because He knew this would be the one issue that would be most likely to separate people from God. The rich young man was challenged to sell everything then to follow Jesus, but he couldn't do it. Ultimately his money was more important to him that following Christ. Jesus said it would be easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than to enter the Kingdom of God. You can argue with me about what Jesus meant by this statement all day long, but in the end the message is clear; money is the one thing that people will choose over God. Yet, we print the statement "In God We Trust" right on the money itself.

- Scripture tells us to trust in God and to let tomorrow worry about itself. Many of us are willing to do this in most areas of our lives - but not with our material wealth. How much money are you putting away in your 401-K account? How much of your life revolves around paying bills, buying stuff, and planning for the future? Can you examine your life right now and honestly say that you trust God to take care of you. Can you honestly say that you are willing to let tomorrow take care of itself? That money you have stashed away for retirement could do amazing things right now for the poor in your community, right? Yet, on every dollar you have saved the words "In God We Trust" are printed right on the front!

Let me be clear. I'm writing these words because I am guilty of materialism and greed in so many ways throughout my entire life. I'm NOT writing these things to point a finger of judgment at anyone other than myself. I'm simply writing out the thoughts and convictions I am feeling in my heart and I believe it is time for me to start acting on these convictions.

If I truly trusted in God, I would not be worried about retirement. My retirement starts the day I take my last breath. I will receive my comfort, my rest, and my reward on that day, not a day sooner!

If I truly trusted in God, I would quit pouring my efforts into gathering the almighty dollar and realize that my ONLY purpose in these few years I have left on this earth is to reach as many people as I can with the saving gospel message of Jesus.

I do trust God! It is time for me to start proving it. Not as a show or demonstration for you or anyone else to witness, but as an act of complete submission to Jesus Christ in my life. As a result, I expect some criticism. I expect many to not understand why I am making the "foolish" financial decisions that I am. Just know that I'm not doing it for you.

So, you can see why I find the words "In God We Trust" as being so out of place on our money. Honestly, I would like to see it replaced with a warning statement, like "Use can be habit forming and deadly."

I have SO far to go in order to get this right in my own life, but it is a journey I am determined to begin and complete!

My Testimony (part 4)

It was a night back in September, 2o1o that I was about to go on one of my neighborhood walks and I knew that it was time to have a serious conversation with my wife. I had been on this path of spiritual renewal for several months and was considering some HUGE, life-changing decisions, but I had not included Cheryl in much of this process to this point. I was really starting to believe that planting a church might be something that God was preparing me for. The shift in my life's direction and my relationship with God had been profound and startlingly fast. I wasn't sure how Cheryl was going to respond to me laying all of this on her. I also knew that it was time that I move from just praying for my marriage and my wife to actually communicating with her and working on strengthening our relationship. I knew if I was going take any more steps toward church planting or any other kind of change in my life, it was not just going to be about me. My wife and 4 kids were going to be impacted by anything I decided in life-changing ways as well and this needed to shift from being MY journey to being OUR journey. Therefore, I invited Cheryl to join me on my walk that night and I let it all spill out then waited for her reaction.

One of the most refreshing, encouraging, and inspiring things that can happen for a person who is weighing big decisions is when they receive complete confirmation and agreement from the person they care most about. As I finished telling Cheryl about the things I was considering and praying about I sensed a massive weight and burden being lifted off of our relationship. It is hard to explain other than to tell you that Cheryl has been waiting for me to get to this point for quite a while. Cheryl explained that she was tired and weary of me chasing my own dreams without consideration for God's plans or the overall health of our family. We talked and prayed together and I realized that I was simply catching up to where my wife already was.

As for the idea about planting a church, Cheryl knew less about this than I did, but her faith was encouraging. Her words can be summarized somewhat like this. "Darrell, I am so ready to follow your lead in ministry where ever God takes us. It is scary and exciting, but I will support you 100% knowing that you are finally following God's lead rather than just chasing your own dreams." Now that I knew I had a teammate, it was time for me to really start finding out more about church planting and whether or not it was something that I was truly being called by God to do.

The months of September and October became a whirlwind of me contacting men who were involved in church planting in some form or another. Some guys I new personally, others were just names that someone said I should contact and listen to. I started emailing guys and trying to set up lunch appointments whenever I could. I wasn't sure what I was doing or what I was looking for, but the response was humbling and encouraging. Over a 4 week period I met with more than 10 different people who had dramatically different stories and advice to share. Several of them had recently planted churches of their own. Others were church planter coaches and network leaders. Others were not planters, but had many years leading a church as Senior Ministers. I imagine that my questions sounded ignorant and naive to them, but they were all very helpful and encouraging. Through these conversations I was beginning to see the "nuts and bolts" of planting a church, both the good and the bad. But more than the information I was getting, there was one constant in every conversation I had. Church planters have a PASSION to see the local church truly connect with a community of lost and dying people through developing relationships and really loving people.

I don't mean to imply that people leading or attending existing churches do not desire these things. I am not trying to say that church planters are any more spiritual or committed to evangelism or building the church than everyone else. I am just simply noting my observations about the heart and culture I have found to be a KEY and central passion for the church planters I have met or read about.

As a result of these conversations and observations, I began to search my soul. I had to ask myself some tough questions:

1) Do I really LOVE the church and believe it is the way Christ chose to share His message with the world?

2) Do I really LOVE unchurched people and want to develop real relationships with them even though they don't act or think like me?

3) Do I really want to step away from a "career" ministry position where I have a guaranteed salary from a church with a stable budget and income?

4) Do I really have the ability and patience to start a new church in a new community with no name recognition or core group of people to depend on?

5) Do I really want to enter a situation where I have to raise a ton of money to support the church I might plant?

6) Do I really want to expose my wife and kids to a very lonely and insecure lifestyle where we truly have to depend on God's provisions to make it?

7) Is my relationship with my wife and kids strong enough to endure all of this?

8) Is my relationship with God strong enough to endure all of this?

9) Am I ready to "clean out the closet" of my SUPER-materialistic world and depend on and trust God with my finances, security, and material desires?

As Cheryl and I began digging into these questions and more, one thing was clear to both of us. We were tired of chasing our own goals and dreams. We were ready to be challenged by God and to start living as true disciples of Christ instead of just "doing" ministry like we have for the past 15+ years of our marriage. As hard as it is to completely submit yourself to God in every way possible, Cheryl and I decided that we wanted to try. We have a LONG, LONG way to go, but the first step has been taken. We have decided to start walking down this path together.

Now that I have learned a bit about what church planting is about and met some folks who were already living this life and walking this road, it was time to start taking some real steps beyond just asking questions. I contacted Stadia, the church planting organization I mentioned earlier, and let them know I wanted to find out more about church planting and how to get involved or to see if it was something I should get involved in. I also had some conversations with people who were leading church planting networks looking for new planters. Based on these conversations the next step was obvious. I needed to go through "assessment".

I had been asking the right questions of the right people. I was making connections and getting a lot of positive feedback about whether or not I should consider planting. But it was time for me to take a REALLY big step. If I was serious about finding out if this is a path that God was leading me toward, it was time for me to sign up for a "Church Planting Assessment Center (CPAC)". This is a 4 day, intensive and exhaustive evaluation of both my wife and I where we would undergo psychological evaluation, spiritual gift assessment, and put into situations where we would be observed in situations that might simulate the early days of a church plant as we make decisions and interact with others. While CPAC would not just give us a simple "yes" or "no" as church planters, it would help us see our strengths and weaknesses and make recommendations as to whether or not we might be ready for planting now or in the future.

I really wanted to attend an assessment center, but I had a couple of dilemmas. First, it is very expensive. The cost was prohibitive for me personally. Without some financial help I would not be able to do an assessment center right now. Second, I would have to start letting people know (namely my church's leadership) that this was a path I was considering. A decision had to be made. Was I in this or not? Was I ready to take some steps that would be life-changing or not? The answer was not all that difficult. For Cheryl and I both, the clear answer was YES!!!

Looking ahead, I knew an assessment was about to take place in Tennessee in mid-January. I wanted to go to that assessment and see where it would take me. I started praying about this and seeking advice for how to pay for it. The answer was remarkably clear. I recalled the question Curt had asked me many months earlier about church planting and realized that it was time I start allowing others to be a part of what God wanted to do in my life. I knew that I had been serving on staff at Crosspoint Christian Church in Conyers, GA for over 5 years and they deserved to know about all of this and to have a chance to partner with me in it. I realized that planting a church was not about me, it was about building the Kingdom of God and I was convinced that Crosspoint would want to be a part of it.

After some deliberation, I sat down one night in November to write a request to our Missions Team at Crosspoint. My request was that they would join me as a partner as I started this journey and would help me by paying for me to attend the assessment in January. However, there was one thing I had to do before sending this request to our Missions Team. My Senior Minister had no idea I was on this path (as far as I knew) and it was time for us to have a talk.

I sat in my bed, reading the request I had just written on my computer screen, and thought about emailing it to Curt to initiate a conversation the next day at work. But before I sent the email I had a distinct impression that I needed to stop and pray about this. So I did.

My prayer was simple and the answer was immediate. I distinctly felt the Holy Spirit guiding me to NOT send this email and to wait for Curt to start a conversation with me about church planting. I was worried because I knew waiting would endanger my ability to attend assessment in January. Quick action was necessary to get signed up. But I decided to obey the leading and wait on Curt to talk to me.

The wait was not long. Actually, it was only a few hours. At work the next day, about 10am, Curt came into my office and asked if I had a minute to talk with him down in his office. As I sat down across from him he asked me a simple question. Curt said, "Do you remember me asking about church planting a while back? Have you given that any more thought?"

I have to admit that I was rocked by the realization that God was in control of all of this if I would just get out of the way and let Him lead. I had obeyed God and the wait was only about 9 hours. My conversation with Curt was encouraging and full of confirmation. Without giving details, Curt was completely supportive and pledged Crosspoint's full support of whatever direction God might take me in.

With Curt's blessing, I submitted my request to the Missions Team and had approval to sign up for assessment within 3 days.

That brings me up to today, January 15th, 2011. Cheryl and I are getting ready to leave for Tennessee on Monday for CPAC. We have no idea what God has in store for us there. We have no idea if planting a church is in our future. If it is, we have no idea where God might call us to plant a church. It is going to be a tough week and I am praying for some clear guidance and answers from God.

The irony of me ENDING my testimony here is that the story of what God is about to do in my life and the life of my family is just BEGINNING. There are still so many questions and uncertainties. There are so many things that could go wrong or change. There is so much growing I still need to do in my relationship with God and my family. There is so much I don't know. The scary part is I have just learned enough over the past year to realize how much I don't know and how small and feeble I really am.

But it sure is liberating and exciting to know that for the first time in my life, I'm committed to letting God have His way with me. I actually am starting to realize that He was always going to have His way with me, I am simply going to follow willingly instead of fighting Him.

There are many more stories I could share about the past few months that reveal God's hand in all of this. Maybe I'll be able to share those stories as my testimony continues to unfold. But this is where I will stop writing and ask you to start praying. Yes, it feels a bit arrogant and selfish to say that, but I really do cherish your prayers. Thank you for reading and encouraging me through this process that is just beginning. I can't wait to see what happens next and to share it with you.

My Testimony (part 3)

After the new commitments to studying the book of Acts and daily prayer started, something in me immediately changed. After a week I had read through the first 6 chapters of Acts, taken very detailed notes, and started thinking about what it would have been like to be a part of the early church those days. I was moved and inspired. I couldn't grasp how HUGE the transformation in Peter was from the end of the book of John to the early part of Acts. It FINALLY struck me that Peter was transformed by the Holy Spirit in a miraculous way and was doing amazing things in the name of Jesus Christ for God's glory and to advance the Kingdom of God instead of cowering in a corner and denying even knowing who Jesus was.

Peter's transformation was amazing - almost unbelievable. I imagine that some who knew Peter had a hard time believing this was genuine, but it clearly was. It was supernatural. As I reflected upon and studied Peter's transformation and the beginning and early phases of the church, I became convinced that God's Holy Spirit could do the same kind of miracle in me that He did in Peter. I knew that supernatural transformation was possible if the purpose was to advance the Kingdom of God against the gates of Hell. This type of transformation became my passionate prayer as I walked the neighborhood each night.

One day, a month or so later, I was working on some things in our youth room at the church when my Sr. Minister, Curt, walked in to talk with me. Really, the "talk" was just a simple question. Curt asked me if I would ever consider leading a church plant if our church ever decided to go that route in the future. The question was not an "offer", just simply a hypothetical question to gage my reaction. I stuttered around for a minute, not really sure what to say. The truth was that I had never even considered planting a church. Even though I was connected to God in Bible study and prayer in a very new and passionate way, I still was not to a point where I was thinking about leading a church or anything. At first, planting a church sounded like a HORRIBLE idea! My answer to Curt came out something like, "Um...I don't really know...uh...I've never thought about it before...I'm not sure if leading a church is in my future." What Curt heard in that moment from my reaction was, "NO! Leave me alone! I have my own plans and my own future." Curt would have been right in thinking that except he had no way of knowing how God was going to begin speaking to my heart from that moment on. The "Peter"-like transformation I had been praying for was beginning and I had no clue!!!

You see, at the same time Curt asked me about church planting I had a youth ministry friend at a church near mine announce that he was planting a church in Chattanooga, TN. I also heard about another friend of mine who was planting a church in Chapel Hill, NC. Then I heard about my wife's cousin who was joining a church plant in Charleston, SC. I heard about all three of these church plants within a week. It stirred something in my heart to hear about these guys and I decided that I needed to check it out. I had NO IDEA what was involved in church planting. I didn't know where to start. I didn't know how it happened. I didn't even know why it was even needed. My first thought was that we have a church on every corner here in the south, why do we need more?!!!

A few months passed with my questions about church planting dancing around in my head before I was finally moved to start seeking out real information. My first stop was to do some web searches about church planting. One site I came across was a church planting organization I had heard of but knew nothing about. Stadia is an organization that partners with church planters and church planting networks to plant local churches. On their site they explain what they do and why. I was intrigued. They also listed some church planting books as suggested reading so I decided to read a couple of church planting books to learn more about the church planting methodology and culture. In the midst of my study and research, I gave my friend who was planting in Chattanooga a call. By this time he was only about a month away from the launch of his church. I knew he would be able to explain what was going on and describe the experience in practical terms. Our conversation lasted over an hour and I hung up thinking, "this is something I could get excited about"!

Now, gathering information and being inspired is important, but it certainly is not the same thing as a "calling" from God. I continued growing deeper in the intensity of my personal Bible study and prayer life. Not coincidentally, people started noticing a change in my teaching and leadership with my youth group. My teaching and leading with my youth group underwent a significant shift and started reflecting what God was doing in my own heart. Without going into much detail, it became clear that my priorities and the depth of my teaching were dramatically changing. I found myself really starting to care. I found myself relating to Matthew 9 where Jesus looked on the crowds and saw they were harassed and helpless and he had compassion on them. I found myself really desiring to develop deeper relationships with my students. I began to see that God had me in youth ministry for a reason. It was not just a job and it was not just "doing" church. I had lots of kids in my group who were hurting and lost. God was opening my eyes and it was painful to see how much I had been missing.

Beyond the youth ministry, God began to open my eyes to the needs of my wife and kids. Without telling her story (that is for her to share), as I was going through this spiritual renaissance, God was showing me that my wife was really hurting. She was hurting, in part, because I had spent so many years focusing on myself and being blind to her needs. It was time for me to open my eyes and really love my wife and kids. As this began to happen, I finally made the connection. I, for the first time ever, realized that the Church is the Bride of Christ. I began to examine Jesus' love for His church and compare that with how I loved my wife. The comparisons and contrasts were stark and startling. This began a true renewal in my relationship with my wife and in my understanding of how Jesus views the Church.

Because of this new understanding, a truth came into focus for me. If Christ loves His church and this is the way that Christ chose to share His love with the world....AND if I was really learning to care about people and follow the leading of the Holy Spirit, it was becoming clear what God wanted me to do with my life. For the first time I began to not only accept, but embrace the idea that I would spend the rest of my life serving in the local church as a full-time minister. If the church was God's plan and where He was going to advance His Kingdom, then I need to be right in the center. To do anything else would serve no purpose and bring no fulfillment. I was now able to envision myself leading a church and this flung the doors wide open. God's calling in my life was starting to get very loud and I was finally listening!!!

Now that I was becoming convinced that leading a church was something that God was preparing me for, I needed to find out more about this church planting stuff. It was starting to look like a very scary and exciting path, but I still knew almost nothing about it. I knew that it was time for me to start having some serious conversations with people who were already somewhere down the road I was considering taking.

Part 4 (the final part, I think) of this testimony will cover the past few months of my life as I have explored church planting in depth and have sought God's leadership and direction for the next stage in my life that will be marked by the things that happen in 2011. Thanks for reading and I hope my writing serves some sort of purpose in your life as it does in mine.

(to be continued)

My Testimony (part 2)

In early 2010 I started walking my neighborhood every day for exercise. I usually walked for about 45 minutes and did it pretty late at night, after Cheryl and the kids were already in bed. Another reason for walking was a general dissatisfaction in my life. I was frustrated with my life. I had a sense that I would not be a youth minister for the rest of my life and I was convinced that continuing in ministry was not what I wanted to do. I simply did not know what I wanted to do with my life. Walking gave me a chance to clear my head and to be alone with my thoughts.

One night I remember walking and out of frustration I asked God to speak to me. Although I wasn't really expecting it, He did! It was not an audible voice or a sign in the sky or anything like that. It was simply the Holy Spirit speaking to my soul. I don't know how else to explain it. The message was loud and clear. It was clearly from God. And it was the slap in the face I needed.

Allow me to outline the message that was spoken into my heart that night:

First, I was convicted that I was a fraud in ministry. I worked for a church and had the title of a minister, but my actions and life did not show that I cared ANYTHING AT ALL about people and reaching them with the love of Christ. My youth ministry was 100% based on programming and attracting kids with a show. My personal relationships with almost all the kids in my ministry were shallow. I also realized that I had lived in a neighborhood for 2 years and did not know a single family beyond waving at them as I drove by. I didn't know if they were Christians. I didn't know if they had kids. I simply did not care about people. I was a fraud and God was convicting me of this fact!

Second, I was convicted of the fact that I had not opened my heart to personal Bible study and in-depth prayer time with God on a regular basis in years. As a minister I opened my Bible every day and prepared lessons and messages, but it was a job or a task. I didn't stop to ask God's Holy Spirit to open my eyes and guide my thoughts. I didn't stop to evaluate whether or not what I was preparing for my students was a part God's message for me too. Spiritually speaking, I was dry as the desert.

Third, I was convicted because I was not interested in being used by God to impact his Kingdom. I was only interested in building my own kingdom and following my own dreams of material comfort and advancement. I was afraid to even ask God what He wanted because I already had decided what I wanted.

As this message was being poured into my heart that night, I stopped walking and realized how lost I really was. I didn't care about people. I was disconnected from God. And I was running without any direction or purpose in my life. I knew it was time for a change. I knew it was time for me to stop plotting. I knew it was time that I be still and listen to God for a while.

The prayer that followed was genuine and it changed everything. I made a few new commitments to God that night. I committed to reading the book of Acts very carefully and slowly over a month. I took notes and I asked questions of others. I committed to making my nightly walks an exclusive time of prayer and connection with God. I also committed to meeting some of my neighbors and getting to know them. I followed through with these commitments and they led to some new commitments. For the first time in years I heard the Spirit of God and I knew what it meant to be broken and humbled.

Little did I know that God was already working on some other fronts that would impact my life as well.

Over the years I have developed a skill and a love for preaching. I enjoy it and I think I have a gift for communicating with people in this way. However, when people would ask me if I was interested in being the Lead Pastor of a church I would always laugh it off and say that there is much more to leading a church than preaching good sermons. I have spent years watching Lead Ministers deal with the politics of church and listening to people whine about the silly things they don't agree with or like. I have seen so many ministers get frustrated with keeping people happy while realizing they don't have time to really cast a vision for the church and pursue it. I wanted no part of this life! As a youth minister I am insulated from this stuff. People generally don't complain TO me. They just complain ABOUT me and other things to the Lead Minister. I was fine with this arrangement!

Let me be honest! I am not a very sensitive person. When someone is whining and complaining, my first thought is to ignore them or to roll my eyes. I have always feared that I would fail at leading a church because I wouldn't handle the "pastoring" part of being a pastor very well. This is a valid concern to be sure!

Let's just say that God has addressed this concern and a few others in my life lately.

I know this is a bit mundane and boring, but I really feel a need to write all of this (part 2) to set up what is about to happen in my life as I write part 3. God is amazing at orchestrating the details of life. As I said before, 2011 is going to be a landmark year in my life. Now that I have set it up, part 3 of my testimony will reveal the path that God as put me on. I can't wait for you to see where this is heading...

(to be continued)

My Testimony (part 1)

I have spent years and years telling God what I was and was not going to do with my life. I can remember graduating Bible college and declaring that I would do youth ministry for a while, but I would never work in a church my whole life. I remember telling people that I enjoyed working with teens, but working with adults and leading a church was something I would NEVER do. I have laid plans and plotted my course. I have educated myself and prepared for a whole new direction in my life after the ministry gig was up.

Then I made a big mistake!

As I was preparing myself to leave ministry behind for a career where I could earn a good deal more money and security for my family, I could not help myself. I felt a nagging sense that God needed my full attention and He was not going to let me leave full-time ministry until I actually stopped to listen to Him first. So I did. And something happened that I did not expect.

Allow me to confess a few things about my personal relationship with God up until about a year ago:

1) I have grown up being very involved in church. I attended church for my first 18 years and have worked in one for my second 18 years. However, in all of this time, I never really grasped the concept that the church is not an institution or an organization. It is the bride of Jesus Christ and I am a part of her. I never really grasped the intimacy and passion Christ feels for His bride. I did not love the church, I just thought of it as a human-led organization.

2) I have grown up with a good deal of Bible knowledge and training. I can engage you in just about any theological topic and probably convince you that I know what I'm talking about! I know the Bible like a student knows a text book. I can pass a test. I can quote the answers. However, I never really understood the real power of God's Word when someone begins to really make it the basis of their entire life. I never really understood what it meant when the Bible was described as "living and breathing".

3) I have always been a good "talker". I love to be the center of attention and in a group setting I somehow end up getting that attention without even realizing what I am doing. I figured out, at a very young age, that my personality caused people to trust me in positions of leadership, deserved or not. The problem is that I could get attention and leadership positions on my own ability. There was never any thought to depending on the Holy Spirit's leadership. There was never any need for me to wait on God to open doors for me. I just opened them myself.

4) Trusting God is something I have always been really bad at doing. I'm not sure why, but I suspect that it has a lot to do with the fact that I have never really needed to trust in God. I come from a great family life. I have never really faced brokenness in my family life. I have only experienced death in a close and personal way on a couple of occasions. I have never been in need or truly desperate. I have always been able to fight my own way out of trouble or tough times.

These confessions could go on for a while, but what I have written so far addresses some of the keys to what God has done with me over the past 12 months that has really shaken me to my core and fundamentally changed who I am as a person.

In part 2 of this testimony, I want to tell you about how God has taken the first 36 years of my life and experience and turned it upside down. I am on a path now that I never planned for or expected. I have been running from this my entire life and now I finally am embracing it. Because of this, I am certain that 2011 is going to be THE landmark year of my life. Maybe not the "best" or the "most important" year, but one that I will look back in the future and note that this was the year everything changed...

(to be continued)

What a Wretched Man I Am

I get so frustrated with myself. My inconsistency. My lack of focus. My inability to stick to commitments. The way I let others down with my failure.

Today I was reminded of these things when the sun came out and the temperature reached over 50 degrees for the first time in more than 2 weeks here in Atlanta. I was inspired to get out and ride my bike around the neighborhood for some exercise. That is where the frustration comes from. At Thanksgiving I had lost nearly 40 pounds and was biking about 50 miles a week at a pace of around 14.5 miles per hour. Not bad by my previously sedentary standards! But today I thought I was dying after just 5.5 miles at a 13.5 mph pace. Not only that, my weight has crept back up by about 9 lbs since Thanksgiving. HUGE FAIL!!!

What is sad is that my inability to stay focused and committed is evident in my spiritual life as well. I can be so passionate and committed in my relationship with God for a period of time, but I always seem find a way to fail. As quickly as the fire was lit in my heart for pursuing God, it can be extinguished. I find myself asking why this happens and why sustaining my focus on God is so difficult, but it describes the reality of my life nonetheless.

When I get frustrated like this there is a passage in scripture that gives me encouragement. It helps to see that Paul describes this same frustration for his own life in Romans 7.

Romans 7:14-25

^"14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. ¹⁵ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

²¹ So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²²For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? ²⁵ Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Here is a truth I'm constantly trying to apply to my life. I am sinful and will always go back to sin when I am not connected to God. When I am studying and applying God's Word to my life on a daily basis and when I am on my knees in prayer and worship throughout my day, I can stay focused on God. But the moment I stop connecting to God through studying His Word, engaging Him in prayer, and honoring Him through worship, I immediately turn back to my sinful nature.

Getting reconnected after a time away from God can be painful. The confession and repentance that must take place is hard but necessary to get back on track. Sounds a lot like how painful it can be after a time away from physical discipline as well, doesn't it?

Today I jump started my commitment to physical health - and it hurt! Let me challenge you to examine your commitment to spiritual health today. It might hurt, but unless you are connected to God, you WILL turn back to your sinful nature and there is NO satisfaction to be found in failure.

By the way, losing these 9 lbs AGAIN is not going to be fun, but it will be worth it!