What a Wretched Man I Am

I get so frustrated with myself. My inconsistency. My lack of focus. My inability to stick to commitments. The way I let others down with my failure.

Today I was reminded of these things when the sun came out and the temperature reached over 50 degrees for the first time in more than 2 weeks here in Atlanta. I was inspired to get out and ride my bike around the neighborhood for some exercise. That is where the frustration comes from. At Thanksgiving I had lost nearly 40 pounds and was biking about 50 miles a week at a pace of around 14.5 miles per hour. Not bad by my previously sedentary standards! But today I thought I was dying after just 5.5 miles at a 13.5 mph pace. Not only that, my weight has crept back up by about 9 lbs since Thanksgiving. HUGE FAIL!!!

What is sad is that my inability to stay focused and committed is evident in my spiritual life as well. I can be so passionate and committed in my relationship with God for a period of time, but I always seem find a way to fail. As quickly as the fire was lit in my heart for pursuing God, it can be extinguished. I find myself asking why this happens and why sustaining my focus on God is so difficult, but it describes the reality of my life nonetheless.

When I get frustrated like this there is a passage in scripture that gives me encouragement. It helps to see that Paul describes this same frustration for his own life in Romans 7.

Romans 7:14-25

^"14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. ¹⁵ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

²¹ So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²²For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? ²⁵ Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Here is a truth I'm constantly trying to apply to my life. I am sinful and will always go back to sin when I am not connected to God. When I am studying and applying God's Word to my life on a daily basis and when I am on my knees in prayer and worship throughout my day, I can stay focused on God. But the moment I stop connecting to God through studying His Word, engaging Him in prayer, and honoring Him through worship, I immediately turn back to my sinful nature.

Getting reconnected after a time away from God can be painful. The confession and repentance that must take place is hard but necessary to get back on track. Sounds a lot like how painful it can be after a time away from physical discipline as well, doesn't it?

Today I jump started my commitment to physical health - and it hurt! Let me challenge you to examine your commitment to spiritual health today. It might hurt, but unless you are connected to God, you WILL turn back to your sinful nature and there is NO satisfaction to be found in failure.

By the way, losing these 9 lbs AGAIN is not going to be fun, but it will be worth it!