In early 2010 I started walking my neighborhood every day for exercise. I usually walked for about 45 minutes and did it pretty late at night, after Cheryl and the kids were already in bed. Another reason for walking was a general dissatisfaction in my life. I was frustrated with my life. I had a sense that I would not be a youth minister for the rest of my life and I was convinced that continuing in ministry was not what I wanted to do. I simply did not know what I wanted to do with my life. Walking gave me a chance to clear my head and to be alone with my thoughts.
One night I remember walking and out of frustration I asked God to speak to me. Although I wasn't really expecting it, He did! It was not an audible voice or a sign in the sky or anything like that. It was simply the Holy Spirit speaking to my soul. I don't know how else to explain it. The message was loud and clear. It was clearly from God. And it was the slap in the face I needed.
Allow me to outline the message that was spoken into my heart that night:
First, I was convicted that I was a fraud in ministry. I worked for a church and had the title of a minister, but my actions and life did not show that I cared ANYTHING AT ALL about people and reaching them with the love of Christ. My youth ministry was 100% based on programming and attracting kids with a show. My personal relationships with almost all the kids in my ministry were shallow. I also realized that I had lived in a neighborhood for 2 years and did not know a single family beyond waving at them as I drove by. I didn't know if they were Christians. I didn't know if they had kids. I simply did not care about people. I was a fraud and God was convicting me of this fact!
Second, I was convicted of the fact that I had not opened my heart to personal Bible study and in-depth prayer time with God on a regular basis in years. As a minister I opened my Bible every day and prepared lessons and messages, but it was a job or a task. I didn't stop to ask God's Holy Spirit to open my eyes and guide my thoughts. I didn't stop to evaluate whether or not what I was preparing for my students was a part God's message for me too. Spiritually speaking, I was dry as the desert.
Third, I was convicted because I was not interested in being used by God to impact his Kingdom. I was only interested in building my own kingdom and following my own dreams of material comfort and advancement. I was afraid to even ask God what He wanted because I already had decided what I wanted.
As this message was being poured into my heart that night, I stopped walking and realized how lost I really was. I didn't care about people. I was disconnected from God. And I was running without any direction or purpose in my life. I knew it was time for a change. I knew it was time for me to stop plotting. I knew it was time that I be still and listen to God for a while.
The prayer that followed was genuine and it changed everything. I made a few new commitments to God that night. I committed to reading the book of Acts very carefully and slowly over a month. I took notes and I asked questions of others. I committed to making my nightly walks an exclusive time of prayer and connection with God. I also committed to meeting some of my neighbors and getting to know them. I followed through with these commitments and they led to some new commitments. For the first time in years I heard the Spirit of God and I knew what it meant to be broken and humbled.
Little did I know that God was already working on some other fronts that would impact my life as well.
Over the years I have developed a skill and a love for preaching. I enjoy it and I think I have a gift for communicating with people in this way. However, when people would ask me if I was interested in being the Lead Pastor of a church I would always laugh it off and say that there is much more to leading a church than preaching good sermons. I have spent years watching Lead Ministers deal with the politics of church and listening to people whine about the silly things they don't agree with or like. I have seen so many ministers get frustrated with keeping people happy while realizing they don't have time to really cast a vision for the church and pursue it. I wanted no part of this life! As a youth minister I am insulated from this stuff. People generally don't complain TO me. They just complain ABOUT me and other things to the Lead Minister. I was fine with this arrangement!
Let me be honest! I am not a very sensitive person. When someone is whining and complaining, my first thought is to ignore them or to roll my eyes. I have always feared that I would fail at leading a church because I wouldn't handle the "pastoring" part of being a pastor very well. This is a valid concern to be sure!
Let's just say that God has addressed this concern and a few others in my life lately.
I know this is a bit mundane and boring, but I really feel a need to write all of this (part 2) to set up what is about to happen in my life as I write part 3. God is amazing at orchestrating the details of life. As I said before, 2011 is going to be a landmark year in my life. Now that I have set it up, part 3 of my testimony will reveal the path that God as put me on. I can't wait for you to see where this is heading...
(to be continued)
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